Putin Updates His Cabinet on Agent T’s Spectacular Success

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin briefed his Cabinet yesterday, at his monthly meeting in the Kremlin. The President focused on the extraordinary success of Agent T and our other operatives in the United States.

Here is the official transcript of the President’s remarks. They are, as always, to be held in the strictest confidence. Please remember that it is forbidden to discuss any affairs of state on the Signal messaging app.

Transcript

Gentlemen,

Today we will give you an update on the performance of Agent T and our other operatives in Washington. We are extremely pleased with T, who has accomplished a great deal in just the first two months of his new administration.

This is in marked contrast, frankly, to his first term, when he severely disappointed us. As we discussed with you at the time, T still harbored some attachment to the decadent American Global Order. However, his views have since then become much more enlightened, as we have told him repeatedly, because he has recognized the pre-eminent role that Russia should play in European and world affairs.

T has also shown considerably more initiative, which we will talk about later.

All is not smooth sailing, of course. As you know, gentlemen, T has never been shy in his demands for recognition and compensation [appreciative laughter from Cabinet members]. However, we hope that you will agree that we have reached a reasonable compromise with him on those issues.

We must acknowledge our debt to our friends in Beijing on two counts. We admire their sustained effort to cultivate M over many years, by providing him with attractive commercial opportunities, such as the car business in China. Their patience eventually was rewarded, and they recruited him as an agent.

We were gratified that President Xi graciously volunteered to add Agent M to our team in DC. That was a masterstroke, truly first-rate spy craft, and proof of the strength of our close partnership with Beijing. T and M have been a great team; they have done more to weaken America than we anticipated.

To summarize their remarkable success, T and M have:

Ensured that we will soon be victorious in Ukraine and return the rebellious province to the warm embrace of Mother Russia. We will discuss our timetable for regaining the Baltics and Poland at a subsequent Cabinet meeting.

Dismantled NATO by sowing distrust and insulting all other members of that alliance

We cannot stress how elated we are by this historic accomplishment. This has been our goal for 30 years, and we have finally realized it.

Undermined the U.S. armed forces, the CIA and the FBI by appointing inept leaders and firing the competent ones.

We are particularly pleased that Agent TG has become Director of Intelligence. She has served us loyally for several years by disseminating our views, and we expect that she will play an even more useful role now.

Sabotaged the economy and alienated their allies and neighbors by imposing stiff tariffs

They have even turned the Canadians into enemies, which is a brilliant achievement!

Sealed the doom of the US car companies, by eliminating Biden’s programs to help them compete against China (and M) in electric vehicles

Turned the Department of Justice and the FBI into the equivalent of our FSB (which we all fondly recall as the KGB)

We have covered the creation of this new police state extensively on European social media, with very gratifying results. We look forward to publicizing the arrests of journalists and politicians, which we expect to begin soon.

Destroying American soft power by shutting down the foreign aid programs and Voice of America

This was a particularly brilliant move, because, frankly, it has been difficult to compete with the Americans in terms of soft power. Our information campaigns can now highlight how many people die from disease and hunger because the US has cut off aid. This will be one of our recurring themes in the press and on social media, especially in Africa and Asia.

Our propaganda will be much more effective now that VOA, Radio Free Europe etc. will no longer spout their drivel about freedom and democracy. Their emphasis on facts has been extremely irritating and has created difficulties for our disinformation teams. We have also been highly displeased by VOA’s slanderous stories on supposed corruption in Russia and China.

President Vladimir Putin Addressing His Cabinet/Getty Images`

Assault on Academia

As we noted, the team in DC has already surpassed our expectations, which were high. But we have been especially impressed by an initiative that T launched completely on his own. We are referring to his unexpected attack on American universities.

We have regarded American universities as great obstacles to the consolidation of power that we envision for T’s regime. As you know, they are hotbeds of independent thinking and anti-government activity. Furthermore, most professors hold deeply anti-Russian views and are oddly attached to democratic values.

We must concede that these institutions have given the Americans a competitive advantage in science and research. They have also attracted many students from around the world, which has exposed them to American society, with all its competition, chaotic politics and lack of order. Nevertheless, many of them find the country attractive for some reason, and they remain there. They spread stories about the “good life” in America back in their home countries. We have had considerable difficulty countering these tales.

However, we are pleased to report that the early stages of this campaign are going very well. One major institution, Columbia University, has already capitulated, and we expect more to follow suit very soon.

In a related development, our infiltration of ICE has proceeded very well, and our operatives have played an important role on campus. They almost succeeded in deporting a pro-Palestinian student who had a green card…without any due process! They forced an Indian student to flee to Canada. In each case, they carefully selected a target who had not committed a crime.

Furthermore, they created both incidents at Columbia, which is in New York City, so the publicity has been widespread and very effective.

T’s Compensation and Recognition

Gentlemen, we now must address a delicate matter. As you know, we have been very generous to T for many years. We saved him from ruin at a very difficult time for him. Nonethless, T continues to make very aggressive demands upon us.

After due reflection, we have agreed to certain demands. We will increase his quarterly retainer by 30%, which we now will pay in crypto, as T requested, to be deposited into his Swiss bank account.

We declined his request to be awarded a “Hero of the Russian Federation” medal in Moscow, particularly as he insisted upon a public ceremony. We believe that such a step could provoke negative sentiment among certain segments of the American public at this time. However, we offered to give him a highly flattering portrait, and this proposal pleased him. We indicated, but did not promise, that we could revisit the medal question after he suspends elections in 2026.

We advised T that it would be premature for us to issue him a permit to build a hotel in Kyiv, even though we plan to return to the city within the year. However, we mollified T by granting him permission to build properties in Moscow and Sochi…and on beachfront property, too.

Gentlemen, let us raise our glasses to a New Golden Age!

Make America Go Away!

The Wall Street Democrat